Postpartum boundaries for new parents
Every new family will ultimately be faced with what makes them feel good in their role as parent (and as a family), and what does not. In this post, I am going to focus on parents that have JUST had a baby.
I really encourage you to take pregnancy as an opportunity to think about the things you think will make you feel uncomfortable when you are newly postpartum. Get ahead of it. There will be plenty of things you will learn once your baby is here that will force you to adjust accordingly. In the meantime, what gives you “the ick”?
Some common things I hear from new parents to be are:
-passing baby around
-kissing baby
-long visits
-unsolicited advice
-germs
-perfume/cologne
-visitors expecting to be treated like guests
Make a list of things that apply to you to discuss with your partner. Talk about everything to make sure you’re on the same page. Once everyone has been heard, discuss how to handle it when it comes up. Ideally, the boundary will be communicated and respected, but if it isn’t, it should fall on anyone BUT the new mom to hold the line.
A few strategies I like:
-A mass text with all people expected to visit outlining the boundary. This way no one feels singled out
-A list posted in a very visible place to serve as a reminder. For example, “please wash hands before making yourself comfortable”
-Partner being responsible for scheduling all visits and while coordinating, mentioning the boundary again
A boundary is a limit. It’s your job to communicate your limit clearly and to know what you will do if your limit is crossed or pushed. People do not have to like your limit. They should respect it though. If they don’t, what’s the natural consequence? Well, that’s really up to you.
An example:
You clearly stated that you don’t want young children to be brought to visits of your newborn because it is cold and flu season (you don’t have to justify or give a reason if you don’t want).
Sally came for a visit but brought her 4 year old who has a runny nose.
You may decide that it’s best for sally to come back another time.
I always think it’s best to start out with the strongest version of your boundary and then peel it back if you want/need. You don’t know how you will feel and it’s important to create space for the unknown. Be gentle with yourself and this new dynamic in your life.